


Danger Zones

by Queen_Andr0meda



Category: Archer (Cartoon), Arrested Development
Genre: Family Reunions, Family Secrets, Gen, Long Lost/Secret Relatives, crossover of the century, tw: not your supervisor
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-07-21 04:49:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,421
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19996132
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Queen_Andr0meda/pseuds/Queen_Andr0meda
Summary: It appears as though Lucille has been hiding a lot of her past from her family





	Danger Zones

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nerdyscully (dalecooperscoffee)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dalecooperscoffee/gifts).



> For my wonderful girlfriend <3  
> mushy note for her below vvv  
> \-----------  
> Baby, Happy anniversary and happy super-belated birthday! I really wish I could have had this up long ago and I really wish it were finished now. I promise as soon as summer school is over on monday, finishing this fic will be my first priority, but i still wanted you to have something on this day. You're always so patient and understanding towards me, so sweet and kind, I can't thank you enough for the love you've given me this past year, and I hope I can continue to make you as happy as you make me every single day of my life.
> 
> With all the love in the world,  
> Your Rebecca <3

It had been three weeks since we saw the Bluths last, and they were gathered in the Balboa penthouse for a friday dinner that was starting to become a tradition for them. Lucille was catching up on lost years and family secrets with Lindsay and Maeby around the dinner table. Tobias was picking at some hors d’oeuvres abandoned in the living room alongside the tablet connected to Buster’s prison cell, which was currently being ignored by everyone. Gob was on the couch, sat in extremely close proximity to his new “friend-slash-rival” Tony Wonder. No one knew why Tony, the current head of Sitwell, was always there, although everyone had their suspicions. And even though the pair claimed to only be good friends, Tony was still quietly nagging Gob about how little was on his plate and how it wasn’t healthy, Gob simply responded by draping an arm over Tony’s shoulder and shifting closer to the other man. They could hear three separate bursts of laughter as the ladies finished up their conversation with a joke and made their way into the living room with the others. Both Lucille and Lindsay were smiling wide, and Gob couldn’t help but feel a pang of jealousy. He could always bond with his sister over the alienation they both received from their mother, but now Lindsay had an edge like Buster or Michael; the long-lost-sister edge which was arguably stronger.

Gob released an empty chuckle when Lucille sat down on the loveseat across from her eldest son, and he tried at a joke, “So, Mom, you’re not hiding any other secret family members from us, are you?”

Lucille’s eyes widened as if the question caught her off guard for a moment, then the look softened into one of guilt, “Well, actually…”

* * *

“What the  _ shit _ , Mother?” Sterling Archer stood up from his seat in Malory’s new office rather suddenly, the chair tipping over behind him.

“I don’t know what you’re getting so  _ dramatic _ about, Sterling,” Malory Archer rolled her eyes, unsurprised by her son’s reaction at this point. She swished the bourbon around in her glass as she waited for him to stop stuttering over it. “Seriously, it’s not a big deal, only-”

Archer cut his mother off, “Only that you have a secret twin and my whole life is a lie!”

“Oh, she’s not a secret, Sterling, I knew about her the whole time. You never asked me if I had a sister, so technically not knowing is your own fault.”

He scoffed in overly-exaggerated shock. “Well, why are you bringing her up now then?”

Malory leaned back, making the most out of her son’s frantic state. It wasn’t often that she got to mess with him like this ever since they were banned from spycraft. They had been so busy setting up their office in L.A., she had been waiting to dangle this information over Archer’s head for a few weeks now. “I got a letter from her three weeks ago. She wanted me to meet her in Orange County.”

“Is that why we moved the office to L.A?” Archer asked incredulously. “Just so we could have a family reunion with your sister?”

Malory rolled her eyes again, “Obviously not, Sterling,” his edge seemed to loosen. “Also so you can meet all your cousins.”

His edge came back with a vengeance, “My  _ what? _ ”

Lana opened the door to Malory’s office, carrying AJ on her hip. She had heard the commotion from out in the entryway of the Figgis Agency, everyone in the office had. She knew nothing good ever came from Archer getting worked up over something. Whatever was happening here, it was too early to deal with it. “What the…” she cupped a hand over her toddler’s ear, using her shoulder to cover the other, “What the shit is going on in here?” Although her voice was just above a whisper, it was still dripping with annoyance.

“Mother’s a big fat liar is what’s going on!” Archer complained, pointing a finger at Malory.

* * *

Lucille sighed, “My sister and I had a falling out decades ago, and haven’t talked to each other since.” Baring her soul wasn’t something she was used to and she found it difficult not to look as uncomfortable as she felt. “After everything with Lindsay was revealed, I decided to reach out to her, maybe we can make amends, and you kids can meet your cousin.” She gestured to Gob and Maeby, since apparently they were cousins now.

“Wait, really?” Gob asked almost hopefully, “We have cousins?” This was great for him, maybe they were nicer than his family… maybe they’d actually like him.

“Only one,” Lucille clarified, a bit annoyed that that was the only thing they cared about and not her oh-so-dramatic fight with her sister ages ago.

Lindsay shook her head in disbelief. All her life she thought she was the only girl in a family of all boys, now in less than a month she had two sisters. It was her adolescent fantasy coming true. “What's our sister like?”

“Can't be any worse than you, Mom.” Gob interjected, quickly receiving an elbow to his side and a judgmental look from Tony.

“Actually,” Lucille said, “We're not much different, we were stereotypical twins that way. She might be a little bitchier, though.” This last comment incited an automatic snort of laughter from Gob

“And what was your falling out about?” Lindsay asked, ignoring her former-brother-now-current-nephew

“We both dreamed of performing, had plans to go into the USO together, but on her way to the callback she was approached by some guy on the bus about becoming a secret agent, or some other nonsense.”

“Secret agent?!”Asked Lindsay, Maeby, Tobias, Tony, and Buster from the tablet on the table.

“Bus?” Asked Gob. 

Lucille rolled her eyes. “Anyway,” she continued, “We got in a fight about giving up on our dreams or something equally as infantile. Then we lost touch and haven't spoken since.”

A heavy silence filled the room for a few moments, no one knowing what to say. They all stared at the ground awkwardly, as another minute of silence passed. “Wait,” Gob sat up, “secret agent?!”

* * *

“Wait, really?” Lana said after Malory explained the situation yet again. “Why didn’t you ever tell any of us?”

“Obviously because I thought it didn’t matter,” Malory drawled. “I never planned to see my sister again, so it was none of your business.”

“But you are going to see her, right?” Lana asked, “After all, she did reach out to you, maybe she’s ready to apologize.”

“It’s not likely, she always was as stubborn as a mule,” Malory glanced down at her sister’s letter,  _ signed Lucille Bluth.  _ Her sister's new surname sounded familiar, maybe one of those new money Newport families. She continued, “but I guess there’s no harm in catching up with family.” She leaned back in her chair to think it over, Archer and Lana just stared. “Do you mind?” Malory raised her eyebrow, “I'd like to have my office back now.”

They left quietly, Archer still fuming on the inside, and joined the others in the lobby of the agency.

“So what was Mr. Archer shitting his pants about?” Pam asked as Archer slumped down on the couch.

Lana looked over at her boyfriend, who was still pouting, and she sighed, “Malory apparently had a twin sister living in California this whole time and never told Archer about it.”

“Oh shit! Really?”

“Yeah,” Archer grumbled. “Hey, Cheryl,” the secretary looked up from absently staring at the computer to glare at Archer, “Look up anything you can find on Lucille Bluth.”

“Why?” She groaned.

“Because I said so!” Archer raised his voice.

“YOU'RE NOT MY SUPERVISOR!” Cheryl yelled back before typing the requested name into the internet. “Oh wow, there's a lot here,” she said, “They're rich, well, not as rich as me, they made money from housing development, or something.”

Ray chuckled, “Housing in California? That's a good one.”

“What else?” Archer asked, eyeing Ray with annoyance.

“Well it looks like Lucille was in prison for… four years? For hijacking some big fancy boat. And before that her husband was in prison for treason or something. And now one her sons is in prison for murder?” The rest of them stood aghast. 

“Okay,” Pam decided, “I  _ have  _ to meet these people. Cheryl, does that thing say where they live?”

“No…” Cheryl scrolled down on the search results, “but it  _ does _ say where their company is.”


End file.
